Saturday, 30 December 2017

A goodbye list

A really good goodbye should be short, sweet, and painless. Endings should be succinct. Things rarely turn out this way, but you can't blame me for trying to get one thing right as the year closes. 2017 was awful for a lot of reasons. It was confusing, infuriating, and tragic for most people I know.

For me, it was exhausting. I somehow managed to live my worst life, and in the end, remember the best of me. I started to believe again. My hair grew out, even after cutting three inches. I also told a few really good jokes at my own expense, so there's that.

For months, a home crumbled around me, as I fought battles without weapons and pushed through a wreckage with few allies. It was always chaotic, never safe. The majority of my year has been about him. Believing him, leaving him, defeating him. I swallowed lies like a virus until I became the worst of hosts. In the end, he weakened as all viruses do when they start to fail. To defeat a virus you must get plenty of fluids, plenty of rest. Take pain relief as prescribed. I won.

I always do, by the way.

Wednesday, 30 August 2017

How to love a sociopath

Over the last year, I've come to realise that there isn't a lot I know for sure in life. Actually, I'm almost positive I know nothing, and I have no answers. I second guess myself a lot these days, because I'm not sure of anything anymore. He did that to me by taking away my ability to believe.

I used to believe in true love, forgiveness and magic. 

I wish I could remember why.

What I do know a lot about, is unhealthy relationships. It took me a long time to admit what was my fault, and what was his. It's hard to swallow, like unsweetened medicine. I have to take it, but it doesn't mean I like the taste. The truth is always bitter, even when it's on my side.

I never wanted to think of him this way, he used to be sweet. He used to be funny, grounded, and loyal. I sat with those words for a long time, guilt resting comfortably in my ribcage. "Used to be." I loved him dearly.

Saturday, 15 July 2017

Brief encounters

fireworks image
Six years ago, I never thought we would still know each other.

We started off as strangers turned friends, turned friends with benefits, then nothing. Then back again. We met through a friend, neither of us interested in knowing each other. We've had a lot to hide over the years, as much from each other as everyone else.

Our brief encounters gave us plenty to remember. It's too easy to get drunk on attention and high on nostalgia. Friendship is a fix.