Tuesday, 22 July 2014

A Letter To My Ex Boyfriends

Addressed to you: Those who have loved, hated and lost me,

I know that from time to time, you may Google my name. Or linger around my Twitter for a few minutes, because it's the only social network I keep open. I don't know how you feel about my life, because I don't keep tabs on yours. I know that I didn't stay particularly civil to you, because that's how I approach endings. When something is done, it's done. I do not want the burned edges, broken glass or tattered remains. I want a clean cut and lungs filled with fresh air instead of clouded with ash.

To the First,

Our relationship was one that no little girl should have burdened. At 16, I thought I was an adult. So did you. There are some things we should never have to experience, and never need to recall. It was like riding a carousel and the experience left me sick, I was desperate to stop the dizziness.


In hindsight, I feel a lot of shame.

Thursday, 10 July 2014

I Was Catfished By My Best Friend

real catfish story, quotes image, sea image, beach image, catfish image
*Names have been changed to protect identities. Despite everything I'm not going to name and shame someone because of their past mistakes. This isn't to smear her identity, but to share a lesson. If you are this person, I ask that you don't read this blog because it's going to open old wounds. Ignorance is a kindness.

A year ago, something happened. I never wrote about it because I never felt capable of telling the story. But the more I see that people are playing masquerade and acting the jester, the more I feel that I have to share it. 

This isn't your typical Catfish. In some ways, I guess the whole story started online. But I knew this person. Rebecca* was my friend throughout school since 2001, and when I left school for homeschooling in 2005 we stayed in contact. I suppose we drifted for a couple of years, with the occasional conversation and visitation. But it wasn't the same.

We were each other's confidantes, and we were practically the same person.We loved the same things, and we often said things too eerily similar. Often, I wonder if parts of my own personality were neatly extracted to fit perfectly into her own.

When I ended my first doomed relationship in 2008 she was automatically there for me, and we kept in touch online and through social media. That's where the story really starts, because that's when her life changed. 

Rebecca had a long term boyfriend, Adam*. Their relationship was riddled with complexities and the common mistakes of youth. She would always take him back, except when she found him addicted to drugs. Then she went to university and by the time I arrived at the same university a year later, he had found his way back into her life. She lived two streets away from me, but I never saw them together. I never even saw a picture. I didn't really think about it, because some people are more private than others.

Still, I couldn't shake the feeling that no one knew him.

Why Twenty-Something Birthdays Will Never Mean As Much

birthday cake image, birthday image, millennials
I've never quite had the natural grace of accepting the generosity of another person. The times I notice this are the obvious, Christmas and my birthday. I generally find it rather awkward, and it can seem as though I'm rather unenthusiastic on the morning of my birthday.

I am blessed, I know that. I'm incredibly lucky and equally grateful that as I turned 24 my life had rid itself of clutter and toxins, and that I had a solid group of people to depend on. In hindsight, my 23rd birthday held no promise. Those months were filled with loss, dishonesty and crippling disappointment. Although I am realistic enough to expect more of it to come my way, I found this birthday easier to deal with.

Maybe it was because I had forgot it was coming, or that I had little excitement over my new found age and wisdom. The more I've learnt, the more harsh about life I become. As a child, we grasp to naivety like we clutch to birthday balloons and we feed on the promise of hope that comes with the day that marks our climb out of wonderland and into the bright lights of the world.

Wednesday, 2 July 2014

The Secret of Being Happy

You know those people? The ones who are always happy, and never complain about a thing in life? We know that it is next to impossible that all of them are just "happy people" by nature.

So we wonder how they do it. How do they maintain a face full of sunshine and carry two handfuls of optimism? The truth is, they don't. They lie. There are no eternal silver linings or limitless half full glasses. They just know how to mask it, and if they believe they are happy then isn't that as good as the real thing?

What brings you happiness?