Wednesday, 18 July 2018

1%


Six minutes after I saw you, I threw myself across my bed like a princess in distress. To be honest, it was more of a strop than anything else, the kind that involved burying my face in my pillows. When she called me to ask me for details, the best I could offer was an assortment of sound effects and the occasional "What the fuck just happened?"

I stayed there long after she tried to tell me it wasn't as bad as it sounded (it was). I was hiding in fresh sheets, I was tangled up in you on Tuesday.

Seriously though, what the fuck?

All I could think about was that orange dress, your checked shirt, and the seconds that made me come undone. I thought about the car rides, the camera, and the cliffhanger. All I could think about is the moment that felt like we almost got there.

I replayed a scene from hours before, when I distracted myself with a knot in my hair after you told me something about myself. You watched me struggle to respond, and pointed out how awkward I had become. I usually twirl strands of hair, so if you're looking for my tell, that's it.

"Because I feel like you can see me."
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Monday, 9 July 2018

That thing we do

 When people ask me what's going on between us, my answer is perfectly rehearsed by now. It lacks the eloquence of someone who works with words, but it's the best I can do.

It's a thing that's a thing, but not a thing, you know?

They don't know, but that's because they're all in perfectly healthy, happy relationships and can't remember what it's like to have the thing that isn't a thing. 

I know what I mean though, so that's all that matters. I think you know what I mean, too.

Wednesday, 27 June 2018

27


For a while now, my mother has been telling me that I'm 'knocking thirty', and it's as if she's sure I can't count.

I'm well aware that I should be using eye cream, and I should actually be taking care of myself instead of eating Marmite on toast for dinner. Out of stubbornness, I'm refusing to do these things until the big day actually comes. You can't make me, stop trying.

It's not the only bad decision I've made this year, but I should tell you something you don't already know by now.

Getting older has always played on my mind. I've always felt like I'm playing catch up with everyone else, but the truth is none of us ever really 'get there'. It's not about age, it's about everything I still don't have.

My twenties have been marked with halfway marks. Halfway to 40, halfway to successful, halfway to happy.

I've been halfway loved and halfway fixed, and I'm always halfway somewhere.

Sunday, 17 June 2018

2am



I'm not someone who's very hard to read.

I'm openly complicated, and I talk so much you'd never know that this doubt is alive. I write and chatter and rant, and I'm always overexposed. My theory is that if I'm open about it, maybe someone will accept it. Maybe they'll like it.

Whatever I'm feeling is usually written all over my face and if it isn't, my tone of voice is enough to tell you exactly how I am.

Lately, I've been all small smiles and girlish squeals. I forgot what my bad days were like and how much I dislike who I am during a struggle.

Friday, 8 June 2018

Secret places

As someone who tends to run away from things, I'm always trying to find refuge. I hunt for new places, hidden haunts, and I'm always searching for sanctuaries filled with strangers.

I go to piers, beaches and places protected by lights and water, always looking for somewhere to hide.

There are no maps to secret places, we just stumble upon them and keep them hidden. I've never been great at keeping a secret, except for the ones I share.

Something I'll protect is the place I've found with you, regardless of whether you abandon it in the end. It's a place where I've survived and can't be found and it's somewhere I don't run from.

Sunday, 13 May 2018

Kryptonite



I'm usually a smart girl. I don't take risks I know won't be worth it, and I don't usually run my mouth before thinking about it first. I try not to give in to weaknesses, or lose focus on what is in front of me. 

I try not to believe in the promise of unpredictable new things.

Like I said, I'm usually a smart girl.

Sunday, 8 April 2018

The things I like

You chewed your straw like you were holding your tongue.

The most annoying thing about getting to know someone is the waiting game. It's the lookout. The search for signals, messages and time between conversations.

Who has the patience for any of it, really?

Sometimes, I don't.

As someone who feels almost everything, and notices everything else, it can be a frustrating process. Time is always tricky, and hands on clocks wield control. 

I try to rewind and undo, and I'm scratching the tape to erase the thoughts of the things I like, before I get too close. I think I know how this one ends, but I'm wrong about that. No matter what I do, the film keeps rolling. There is always another act to keep my sabotage at bay. I don't write about the ones who come easy to me.

Saturday, 17 February 2018

First times

The first time is always uncomfortable.

The first time you tell a white lie, fall in love, or break someone's heart can make you blue. The first time you crack a bone, bruise flesh or push through recovery can leave you skittish. The first time you scrape your car and hide the paintwork will rattle your guilt. The first time you speak up, and let someone hear you, will shake your voice. The first time someone touches you can start a fire. Nothing about these things is ever easy.

Then there is the first time you allow someone else to see you, and know you, after living in hiding because of what he did. The first time someone else makes you smile, without making you cry afterwards.

Firsts in life are always terrifying.

Thursday, 8 February 2018

What it's like to be afraid


Everyone is scared of something, and we all have something that keeps us awake at night. We all have our reasons for keeping the covers on the bed, and a safety blanket never hurt anyone. I used to think I wasn't afraid of much, I've seen a lot, after all. I can come across as fizzy, sharp and confident in my self awareness. I have accidental charm. I can lighten up a room around me, or tear it down.

I'm not scared of a good gaslighting, because I know my own brain better than they do. I'm not scared of slammed doors and the silence as he hangs up, and I'm not scared of other women. I'm not scared of talking about my mental health, or speaking up about whatever's pissed me off about the world.


But, I am afraid.

That's valid, right?

Saturday, 30 December 2017

A goodbye list



A really good goodbye should be short, sweet, and painless. Endings should be succinct. Things rarely turn out this way, but you can't blame me for trying to get one thing right as the year closes. 2017 was awful for a lot of reasons. It was confusing, infuriating, and tragic for most people I know.

For me, it was exhausting. I somehow managed to live my worst life, and in the end, remember the best of me. I started to believe again. My hair grew out, even after cutting three inches. I also told a few really good jokes at my own expense, so there's that.

For months, a home crumbled around me, as I fought battles without weapons and pushed through a wreckage with few allies. It was always chaotic, never safe. The majority of my year has been about him. Believing him, leaving him, defeating him. I swallowed lies like a virus until I became the worst of hosts. In the end, he weakened as all viruses do when they start to fail. To defeat a virus you must get plenty of fluids, plenty of rest. Take pain relief as prescribed. I won.

I always do, by the way.