Sunday, 17 June 2018

2am



I'm not someone who's very hard to read.

I'm openly complicated, and I talk so much you'd never know that this doubt is alive. I write and chatter and rant, and I'm always overexposed. My theory is that if I'm open about it, maybe someone will accept it. Maybe they'll like it.

Whatever I'm feeling is usually written all over my face and if it isn't, my tone of voice is enough to tell you exactly how I am.

Lately, I've been all small smiles and girlish squeals. I forgot what my bad days were like and how much I dislike who I am during a struggle.
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Friday, 8 June 2018

Secret places

As someone who tends to run away from things, I'm always trying to find refuge. I hunt for new places, hidden haunts, and I'm always searching for sanctuaries filled with strangers.

I go to piers, beaches and places protected by lights and water, always looking for somewhere to hide.

There are no maps to secret places, we just stumble upon them and keep them hidden. I've never been great at keeping a secret, except for the ones I share.

Something I'll protect is the place I've found with you, regardless of whether you abandon it in the end. It's a place where I've survived and can't be found and it's somewhere I don't run from.

Sunday, 13 May 2018

Kryptonite



I'm usually a smart girl. I don't take risks I know won't be worth it, and I don't usually run my mouth before thinking about it first. I try not to give in to weaknesses, or lose focus on what is in front of me. 

I try not to believe in the promise of unpredictable new things.

Like I said, I'm usually a smart girl.

Sunday, 8 April 2018

The things I like

You chewed your straw like you were holding your tongue.

The most annoying thing about getting to know someone is the waiting game. It's the lookout. The search for signals, messages and time between conversations.

Who has the patience for any of it, really?

Sometimes, I don't.

As someone who feels almost everything, and notices everything else, it can be a frustrating process. Time is always tricky, and hands on clocks wield control. 

I try to rewind and undo, and I'm scratching the tape to erase the thoughts of the things I like, before I get too close. I think I know how this one ends, but I'm wrong about that. No matter what I do, the film keeps rolling. There is always another act to keep my sabotage at bay. I don't write about the ones who come easy to me.

Saturday, 17 February 2018

First times

The first time is always uncomfortable.

The first time you tell a white lie, fall in love, or break someone's heart can make you blue. The first time you crack a bone, bruise flesh or push through recovery can leave you skittish. The first time you scrape your car and hide the paintwork will rattle your guilt. The first time you speak up, and let someone hear you, will shake your voice. The first time someone touches you can start a fire. Nothing about these things is ever easy.

Then there is the first time you allow someone else to see you, and know you, after living in hiding because of what he did. The first time someone else makes you smile, without making you cry afterwards.

Firsts in life are always terrifying.

Thursday, 8 February 2018

What it's like to be afraid


Everyone is scared of something, and we all have something that keeps us awake at night. We all have our reasons for keeping the covers on the bed, and a safety blanket never hurt anyone. I used to think I wasn't afraid of much, I've seen a lot, after all. I can come across as fizzy, sharp and confident in my self awareness. I have accidental charm. I can lighten up a room around me, or tear it down.

I'm not scared of a good gaslighting, because I know my own brain better than they do. I'm not scared of slammed doors and the silence as he hangs up, and I'm not scared of other women. I'm not scared of talking about my mental health, or speaking up about whatever's pissed me off about the world.


But, I am afraid.

That's valid, right?

Saturday, 30 December 2017

A goodbye list



A really good goodbye should be short, sweet, and painless. Endings should be succinct. Things rarely turn out this way, but you can't blame me for trying to get one thing right as the year closes. 2017 was awful for a lot of reasons. It was confusing, infuriating, and tragic for most people I know.

For me, it was exhausting. I somehow managed to live my worst life, and in the end, remember the best of me. I started to believe again. My hair grew out, even after cutting three inches. I also told a few really good jokes at my own expense, so there's that.

For months, a home crumbled around me, as I fought battles without weapons and pushed through a wreckage with few allies. It was always chaotic, never safe. The majority of my year has been about him. Believing him, leaving him, defeating him. I swallowed lies like a virus until I became the worst of hosts. In the end, he weakened as all viruses do when they start to fail. To defeat a virus you must get plenty of fluids, plenty of rest. Take pain relief as prescribed. I won.

I always do, by the way.

Wednesday, 30 August 2017

How to love a sociopath


Over the last year, I've come to realise that there isn't a lot I know for sure in life. Actually, I'm almost positive I know nothing, and I have no answers. I second guess myself a lot these days, because I'm not sure of anything anymore. He did that to me by taking away my ability to believe.

I used to believe in true love, forgiveness and magic. 

I wish I could remember why.

What I do know a lot about, is unhealthy relationships. It took me a long time to admit what was my fault, and what was his. It's hard to swallow, like unsweetened medicine. I have to take it, but it doesn't mean I like the taste. The truth is always bitter, even when it's on my side.

I never wanted to think of him this way, he used to be sweet. He used to be funny, grounded, and loyal. I sat with those words for a long time, guilt resting comfortably in my ribcage. "Used to be." I loved him dearly.

Saturday, 15 July 2017

Brief encounters

fireworks image
Six years ago, I never thought we would still know each other.

We started off as strangers turned friends, turned friends with benefits, then nothing. Then back again. We met through a friend, neither of us interested in knowing each other. We've had a lot to hide over the years, as much from each other as everyone else.

Our brief encounters gave us plenty to remember. It's too easy to get drunk on attention and high on nostalgia. Friendship is a fix.

Sunday, 19 June 2016

Fragrance: Vera Wang Lovestruck Floral Rush

vera wang perfume image
Lovestruck Floral Rush Eau de Parfum 30ml
Finding your favourite perfume can be a bit of a task. Most of us buy perfumes and associate them with different times in our lives, and we rarely stick to one scent. Perfume is a luxury, and plenty of us wait for birthdays and Christmases to replenish our stock. 

Back in 2011, I discovered my signature scent. The original Vera Wang Lovestruck EDP is my longtime love, and I've gone through so much of it that my old bedroom quickly became a graveyard of glass bottles. 

At the moment, I have a couple of spritz's left in my old bottle, and I'm hanging on to them in case of an emergency. You know, like in case I meet Obama or the Queen.

I was rummaging through TK Maxx a few weeks ago, and came across this version of my old favourite. It was hidden on the bottom shelf behind some make up brushes and a broken eyeshadow, but patience is the key to finding anything in TK Maxx. I have no patience at all, because I like to see everything in front of me - but Rhys is great at rummaging, and usually finds things while I'm busy sulking at the mess.